


old friends and empty houses

by murmeltearding



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Mild Language, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-10-14 17:00:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17512460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/murmeltearding/pseuds/murmeltearding
Summary: Bobby's adoptive daughter struggles with mental problems after his death.Sam and Dean arrive to take care of her





	old friends and empty houses

**Author's Note:**

> This is just something I wrote when I was feeling down... I find it often helps me to read or write angsty fluff, when I'm feeling like that, maybe it helps others too.

The sun hung low over the horizon painting the few clouds in the sky in all imaginable shades from white to yellow and orange to almost pink. After my adoptive father, Bobby Singer’s death, I had moved back into his house. He had been gone for six months now, but I still felt like he’d come back from outside at any moment, cursing over something stupid another hunter had done, smelling of motoroil and beer.  
With a deep sigh I took a bottle of beer from the fridge and walked back out to the porch. It had been a long day and I wanted to just sit and enjoy the sunset in silence. Just me and my beer.  
  
A few days later  
I knew it was going to be a bad day. I knew it from the moment I woke up in the morning, even before opening my eyes. I just knew. I turned to my other side in bed without opening my eyes. Maybe I could just sleep it off. It didn’t usually work, but maybe this day would be different. One could still hope after all, right?  
_Worthless. Useless._  
After tossing and turning for fifteen minutes, I had to admit that I probably wouldn’t be able to sleep it off. What a fucking surprise. Ugh.  
Slowly I sat up in bed and buried my face in my hands. Fuck.  
_Worthless._  
My heart ached.  
_Useless._  
My brain screamed.  
_Unlovable._  
My limbs were heavy.  
I remained sitting, motionless for whoever knew how long, the same thoughts washing over me again and again, threatening to drown me. _Worthless, Useless, Unlovable._ It took everything I had not to let myself be swept away and drown in the thoughts. Breathing was a chore. Moving seemed unimaginably hard. Getting out of bed was impossible.  
I remained where I was for as long as I could, until my bladder said I could no more.  
With heavy legs and tingly arms, I somehow made it out of bed and trudged into the bathroom, slowly, with a low head and heavy heart.  
I avoided looking at the mirror, knowing that would only make things worse. _Worthless._ The word echoed inside my brain. “It’s not true!” I tried reasoning with myself. _Of course it is,_ the voice in my head countered. _You know it is. Everyone who tells you otherwise only does so to make you feel better. Out of pity._

Somewhere in the silent house my phone dinged. I didn’t know where I had put it, but it wasn’t important anyways. Everyone hated me.  
Slowly I made my way downstairs into the kitchen. I wasn’t really hungry, but figured making breakfast and eating would occupy my mind for a while, if nothing else. Even though I didn’t deserve food. _Worthless._  
Or I could just go out back and sit in the early morning sun. I loved sitting in the sun, but I was too exhausted to enjoy it. _Useless._  
I made up and changed my mind what felt like a hundred times, when my phone made another noise and another, a few seconds later. Who would be texting me? _Unlovable._  
When one of the phones in the kitchen rang, I closed my eyes for a moment before going to get it. Not picking up was not an option, so I just did it and went through the motions, picking up and telling the caller I was the secretary of whomever they were trying to reach and that Mister so and so was out of the office at the moment, but maybe I might be able to help them.  
It took me a second to realize I wasn’t talking to some policeman or woman, but to Sam Winchester instead.  
“You’re not answering my texts.” he said. “Are you okay?”  
“Yea… it’s all good.” I lied. Lying was easier than explaining what was really going on.  
“You don’t sound okay. We’re close. Do you need us to come by?” Sam, of course, saw right through me.  
_Worthless._ “No, you don’t have to. I… I just… “ I trailed off, not knowing what to say.  
“Alright, we’re coming by.” he said.  
“You really don’t have to! I mean… if… only if you have nothing else to do…”  
“It’s okay. We’ll be there in an hour.” Sam said. “Don’t do anything stupid.”  
Don’t do anything stupid. Yea, of course. I wasn’t suicidal or actively self-harming even. None of that stuff. He knew that. I had told him a million times. But then, Sam had always worried about me more than strictly necessary. Dean too, but Dean was worrying more about my physical wellbeing. Sam understood that the biggest troublemaker in my life was my own brain.  
I knew I should probably get cleaned up and put on some clothes. I knew I should, but I couldn’t find the energy to get up. _Useless._  
I should probably make something to eat for them. They were always hungry. And Dean loved the pies I made. But I might as well plan to fly to the moon. Both were equally likely to happen. Fuck. A soft sob escaped my throat. So fucking useless!  
No! I wouldn’t cry now. Not now!  
_You’re so fucking worthless though. Come on, cry bitch. Cry!_ The voice inside my head bullied. _Show the world how weak and pathetic you are. What a waste of a life! Sitting here, unable to even get dressed._  
I inhaled slowly. “This is not true! I’m good. I’m important. I deserve to be loved.” I murmured. “I’m a good person.” _Yes, keep lying to yourself. Maybe you’ll start believing your pathetic lies at one point._  
I leaned forward on the table and buried my face in my hands again. Why couldn’t I just be normal? Life seemed so easy for everyone else. I was just too weak.  
Without noticing it, tears had started running down my face. I was sobbing. Why me?  
_Because you’re useless. You don’t deserve any better. Pathetic looser._  
Despite the warm spring day, I was cold. I was so cold, I was shivering. I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to get warmer, even though I knew the kind of cold I was feeling needed more than simple physical warmth to go away.  
_Unlovable._

The sound of the front door being unlocked pulled me out of my daze. How long had I been sitting here?  
“Hello? Anybody home?” Dean shouted.  
I sniffled and cleared my throat before answering. “Kitchen.” I barely managed to squeeze the word out. My voice was hoarse. I wiped my eyes just before Sam and Dean came into the room, nervously trying to hide my tears.  
“Hey, are you okay?” Dean asked.  
Sam rolled his eyes. “Of course she isn’t. Look at her.” He hurried towards me and pulled another chair next to mine.  
I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t even look at them. _Worthless._  
“Come here.” Sam said, pulling me into his arms. He didn't need words to know how I felt.  
Shivering, I leaned against him, stiff at first, but slowly I allowed myself to melt in his arms; to just let go.  
“It’s okay now. We’re here.” he mumbled, his mouth close to my ear.  
His words were enough to break the last of my defenses and the tears started flowing for real.  
“Shhhh… it’s all good.” Sam whispered. “Shhhh…”  
Dean was uncomfortably shuffling in the doorway to the kitchen. “I’ll go get some groceries.” he murmured and vanished, leaving us alone.  
It had always been like that; Sam comforting me, Dean and Bobby too uncomfortable with someone crying to stay in the same room. But I didn’t mind. And I knew Sam didn’t either.  
_Oh but he does. He’s just too nice to show it._  
“Shut up” I whispered.  
“The voice again?” Sam asked.  
I nodded and buried my face against his shoulder.  
_He thinks you’re pathetic too. Go on, ask him!_  
“Why am I like that?” I asked instead, trying to ignore the voice.  
“You can’t help it. It’s okay.” Sam tried reassuring me.  
“No, it isn’t! I should be out with you, hunting. But instead I’m being a useless piece of shit.” my voice almost broke over the last words. Speaking my thoughts out loud somehow made them more true, more real.  
“You are fighting. Just a different battle than we are.” Sam said and hugged me closer, squeezing me between his arms.  
“No. I’m a fucking waste of space!” _Worthless._  
“You know this is bullshit.”  
“Yes… but part of me doesn’t believe it. That’s what makes this so much worse.” I sobbed. “I hate myself so much Sam.”  
“Yea well… I love you enough for the both of us. And Dean does too.”  
A new stream of tears spilled from my eyes at his words. I was still shivering, not from cold anymore, but from sobbing now. My whole body was shaking with sobs.  
“Don’t be so nice to me. I don’t deserve that.” _Unlovable._  
“You do! This and so much more!”  
“I can’t take this anymore. I don’t know how I can continue living like that. Look at me! I’m fucking pathetic.”  
“Stop talking like that.” he said, loosening his arms and taking me by the shoulders, pulling me away so he could look me in the face.  
I hung in his between his hands limply, like a ragdoll. _Useless._  
“You’re doing the best that you can and that is enough.” Sam said, looking me in the eyes.  
I couldn’t hold his gaze and turned away to look at the floor instead. “Am I though? What if I’m not trying hard enough?”  
“You are. I know it.”  
“How…” I couldn’t finish the sentence, as another onrush of tears drowned out my words.  
“Come here.” he said and pulled me close again. I closed my eyes and let my head sink onto his shoulder. He slowly rocked me back and forth, like one would do with a little child, whispering reassuring words all the while. I sunk against him and felt my heartbeat slow down. I could breathe easier again, and with his warm arms around me, I was finally able to stop shivering.  
***  
When I opened my eyes next, I was on the sofa. Someone had put a cushion under my head and a blanket on top.  
“Hey there, sleeping beauty.” Dean said. He was sitting in Bobby’s old armchair, elbows on his knees, with a laptop on the coffeetable in front of him.  
“How do you feel?” Sam asked. He was sitting on the Sofa I was on, my legs draped over his lap, balancing a book on top of me.  
I sleepily rubbed my eyes. “How long was I out?” I was exhausted and my head felt like it might explode if I moved too fast.  
“About an hour and a half.” Dean said. “Are you hungry? I bought pie.”  
I shook my head. Eating was the last thing on my mind right now. “I think I need a shower… and some clothes.” I got up and gathered the blanket around me. I was still in my plaid sleep shirt and panties and suddenly felt a bit self conscious about it. The shirt had presumably belonged to one of the guys at one point. Judging by the size, it had probably been Sam's.  
Dean snorted. “Nothing we haven’t seen before, you know…”  
I laughed, but didn’t really feel it.  
  
I paused at the bottom of the stairs, before going up with a sigh. My life was a mess.  
Those bouts of Depression and Anxiety had started when my parents had been killed by a couple of djinn on a hunt. I was twelve at the time and Bobby had taken me in and raised me. I had felt like I was getting a bit better and more stable, I had even thought about going hunting on my own more often… and then he had died and I got worse than ever before.  
  
Mechanically I undressed and showered, because that was what was expected of me. Inside, I felt hollow and empty, but I decided I’d make a straight face for the guys. I didn’t want them to worry about me.  
Once showered and dressed, I walked back downstairs again. Dean was talking on one of the phones in the kitchen. He shot me a desperate look and motioned for me to go check the stove. Something that looked suspiciously like burger patties was sizzling in a pan. Judging by their color it seemed like the phonecall had been going on for a while.  
I turned down the heat and flipped the patties. Sure enough, there were pre packed buns on the counter too, waiting for us to be eaten.  
I didn’t really feel like eating anything, but my stomach was rumbling from the smell of food.  
  
I hadn’t realized I’d been zoning out, until Dean appeared next to me and took the spatula from my hand.  
“Go sit with Sammy before you hurt yourself.” He said, putting his arm around my shoulders for a moment.  
I weakly grinned at him and then went to the living room where Sam was still sitting. A lone ray of sunshine was sneaking in through the half closed blinds, illuminating him from behind and making him look almost angelic.   
His mane shone like gold with the sunlight playing through it. His eyes, turned away from the sun, were dark for once, but they lit up once he noticed me coming closer and looked up at me, as I had known they would. Dustmotes danced in the air, disturbed by the slight movement of his head.  
“Feeling better?” he asked, placing his laptop on the table.  
I sighed and opened my mouth to say something, but words refused to come out.   
“Come here.” he patted the spot next to him on the sofa.  
I sighed again, but started walking towards him slowly.  
“You look tired.”  
“I am…” I sighed and let myself plop down next to him.  
“We’ll stay here for a few days if that’s okay with you.” he said. “Jody called about a bunch of drained bodies not too far from here and we’re gonna check it out. It’s probably vampires.”  
“Yea, sure. Stay however long you like. Mi casa es su casa and all…”  
“You… you can help us if you want to.” Sam said.  
“I…” I swallowed nervously.  
“You don’t have to, of course.”  
With the way I felt today, I wasn’t sure I had the energy to lift a machete, let alone slice off some vampire’s head. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.  
“Don’t be. It’s okay. Dean and I can handle it.” He pulled me close and held me tight, placing his chin on top of my head.  
Cocooned in Sam’s tight embrace, I felt almost whole again; like he was gluing the parts of my broken mind back together with his warmth.

“Dinner’s ready!” Dean’s shout from the kitchen startled both of us. Sam slowly let go of me and stretched his arms and back.  
“Come on, let’s eat.” he said, untangling himself from me so he could get up.  
“I’ll be with you in a second.” I murmured, grabbing a tissue and blowing my nose. My gaze fell on the still open laptop. It had been idle, but Sam’s movement had started it up again. A site about how to deal with someone who suffered from Anxiety was open in the browser.  
Tears filled my eyes and I had to bite my lips to hold back a sob. How did I deserve someone like him?  
“Are you coming?” Dean shouted from the kitchen.  
“Yea, sorry…” I got up, wiping my eyes again.

A few hours later, we all went to bed. With the three of us staying in the house, there weren’t enough beds, so Dean took the Sofa Sam offered to sleep on the floor in the living room. Bobby’s bed remained empty. Neither of us wanted to even go into his bedroom. The wound was still too fresh.  
_You’re trapping them here with you…_ the voice started anew, now that I was all alone again. _Making them sleep on the floor._  
“Shut up” I whispered, rolling on my back so I wouldn’t cry.  
_They’d be better off if they’d never met you._  
I sobbed. This would be so much easier if part of me didn’t think the voice was right.  
I rolled to my side and hugged myself, silently crying in the dark. _Unlovable._  
Noone would ever love someone as broken as me. I knew it. I was too much bother. The world would be a better place without me. One less worthless piece of shit.  
The mean voices’ words mixed with my own thoughts, becoming more and more inseparable, with no way to tell them apart.  
My chest felt as if someone was sitting on top of me. I couldn’t breathe properly and I was freezing again.  
I stiffened when I heard footsteps outside my door, listening to the darkness.  
With a soft noise, the door was pushed open and someone’s head appeared in the crack. “Are you sleeping?” Sam whispered.  
I sniffed. “No…” My voice was so low, I could barely hear it myself.  
He came inside on silent feet and pushed the door closed behind him. The only illumination in the room came from the green numbers on the display of my alarm clock, but it was enough for him, as he walked towards my bed. How could someone as huge as he was move so silently?   
The mattress moved as he sat down at the edge of it and I moved backwards to give him enough space to sit comfortably.  
“I can stay with you until you fall asleep, if you want.” Sam whispered.  
I sighed. “You don’t have to do this. I…” I wanted to tell him that I could look after myself, but my voice broke and I started sobbing uncontrollably, my whole body shaking with the sobs.  
“Shhhh...” he made and I felt his hand on my shoulder. “I got you. It’s alright. You’ll be alright.” I wanted to believe him. I desperately wanted to. But some part of me, deep down knew I would never be alright. I would always be a prisoner inside my own damn head and no amount of therapy or medication would ever change that.  
I rolled to my other side so my back faced him. I didn’t want him to see me like that, all raw and broken. The almost complete darkness in the room didn’t seem enough to hide my shame from him.  
I felt the bed and the blanket move again and suddenly a strong arm wrapped itself around me from behind.  
“Is… is that okay?” Sam asked, feeling me tense up.  
I slowly nodded before I remembered it was dark. “Yes.” I whispered.  
He pulled me closer and his other arm snaked under the crook of my neck. He wrapped his entire body around me and held me tight. I couldn’t help but relax. I had never felt so safe and secure before.  
“We’ll figure this out.” Sam whispered against the back of my neck.  
“Promise?” I mumbled, almost inaudibly.  
“Promise.”


End file.
